I Left My Heart…

Almost two years ago, I visited Texas for the first time… Austin to be exact. Its a lovely little city, full of Art and Music and quaint little neighborhoods. When I arrived there, I was strong and confident… full of hope… and full of love. But I was very fragile then... that strength, that confidence, and that hope was shattered when the love was rejected. And when I left Austin, I left more then my heart, I left part of who I was.

Over the past two years, I have been trying to reclaim the parts of me that were lost during that life changing weekend. Journaling, both on paper and online, has helped me sort through issues I might have just glossed over if I had not written them down and given them form. Many of you have been with me through my journey… posting comments of support and encouragement as I have grown into the woman I am today.

The woman I am today is similar to the woman who went to Austin 2 years ago, but is different in so many ways. I feel strong like I did back then. I feel hopeful and confident. In fact, I feel confident enough to return to the place I lost myself to so many months ago. But this time, I am not going to seek love, I am going in pursuit of something much more real. I am going to start over in a new career. To take the step towards the new, more rewarding life that I longed for back then. I had wanted to change my life, and I though that a new relationship would be enough. It wasn’t. It never was. The change I needed to make was much more personal.

This time, I won’t leave my heart… or my strength… or my confidence… in Austin, Texas. No matter how the interviews go, I know that I have taken the first step towards the life I’ve always wanted. And I never needed a man, or anyone else to make this step. That was my mistake last time. It was always my choice to have the life I wanted… it was always my effort that was needed to make this change. And it is, and always has been my choice to share that life with someone else. Someone worthy of the love I am able to give.

The only thing I plan to leave in Austin this time around, is the last bit of self doubt that still lingers from that fateful weekend. I am taking back my power… and taking a huge step into the life I have always dreamed about.

Finding my Way...

"Somewhere I Belong"
~Linkin Park

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I will never know myself until I do this on my own

And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

[Repeat Chorus]

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong
______________________________________

I've feel like I've finally found my way onto the path I have been searching for for so long... finally found somewhere I belong. But the path is not open yet... there is a rather large stone blocking it. And its a stone I can not move myself... I have to wait until someone else drags it off to the side of the road.

Don't you hate it when I blog in metaphors?

Translated, I've applied for a new job... not just a new job really, a new career. And it will take me to a new city... new surroundings... a new home. It's a huge change, and its exhilarating, and exciting, and a little scary. I feel energized; yet at the same time restless and anxious... wanting to know one way or another if I will find myself walking this path to a very new... very exciting life.

I feel like everything I have done, every path I have taken has led me here. I feel like this is exactly where I belong... and that is something I haven't felt in a very long time. And its a great feeling.. an empowering feeling. Now I just have to to get through the waiting without going out of my mind.