I Left My Heart…

Almost two years ago, I visited Texas for the first time… Austin to be exact. Its a lovely little city, full of Art and Music and quaint little neighborhoods. When I arrived there, I was strong and confident… full of hope… and full of love. But I was very fragile then... that strength, that confidence, and that hope was shattered when the love was rejected. And when I left Austin, I left more then my heart, I left part of who I was.

Over the past two years, I have been trying to reclaim the parts of me that were lost during that life changing weekend. Journaling, both on paper and online, has helped me sort through issues I might have just glossed over if I had not written them down and given them form. Many of you have been with me through my journey… posting comments of support and encouragement as I have grown into the woman I am today.

The woman I am today is similar to the woman who went to Austin 2 years ago, but is different in so many ways. I feel strong like I did back then. I feel hopeful and confident. In fact, I feel confident enough to return to the place I lost myself to so many months ago. But this time, I am not going to seek love, I am going in pursuit of something much more real. I am going to start over in a new career. To take the step towards the new, more rewarding life that I longed for back then. I had wanted to change my life, and I though that a new relationship would be enough. It wasn’t. It never was. The change I needed to make was much more personal.

This time, I won’t leave my heart… or my strength… or my confidence… in Austin, Texas. No matter how the interviews go, I know that I have taken the first step towards the life I’ve always wanted. And I never needed a man, or anyone else to make this step. That was my mistake last time. It was always my choice to have the life I wanted… it was always my effort that was needed to make this change. And it is, and always has been my choice to share that life with someone else. Someone worthy of the love I am able to give.

The only thing I plan to leave in Austin this time around, is the last bit of self doubt that still lingers from that fateful weekend. I am taking back my power… and taking a huge step into the life I have always dreamed about.

Finding my Way...

"Somewhere I Belong"
~Linkin Park

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I will never know myself until I do this on my own

And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

[Repeat Chorus]

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong
______________________________________

I've feel like I've finally found my way onto the path I have been searching for for so long... finally found somewhere I belong. But the path is not open yet... there is a rather large stone blocking it. And its a stone I can not move myself... I have to wait until someone else drags it off to the side of the road.

Don't you hate it when I blog in metaphors?

Translated, I've applied for a new job... not just a new job really, a new career. And it will take me to a new city... new surroundings... a new home. It's a huge change, and its exhilarating, and exciting, and a little scary. I feel energized; yet at the same time restless and anxious... wanting to know one way or another if I will find myself walking this path to a very new... very exciting life.

I feel like everything I have done, every path I have taken has led me here. I feel like this is exactly where I belong... and that is something I haven't felt in a very long time. And its a great feeling.. an empowering feeling. Now I just have to to get through the waiting without going out of my mind.

Another Year Wiser...

It was two years ago today when TelAviv was born, and my journey towards a new life began (if you have no idea what I'm talking about, you can read all about Tel's creation here...). So April 11th is like a birthday to me... a "rebirth"day to be more specific.

Since then, I’ve been (from left to right) TelAviv Armistice in Second Life, Tel in Matrix Online, FireLotus in 9 Dragons (and another undisclosed game *grin*), and Passion in a couple games. But the most important persona I’ve developed since this journey began is Gina. I’ve finally learned how to be myself, and accept myself for who I am… an artist, a poet, a teacher, a webmistress, a businesswoman, a friend, a lover, and a being of love and light. No matter what name I take… or what form I mold myself into, they core of who I am… my strength, my compassion, and my hope will always be there.

Happy Birthday Tel!

An Actual Conversation...

Try to guess which one is me... *grin*

__________________________________________

"We need to finish that book."

"The Secret?"

"Yeah. It’s a short book. We should be able to finish it in a few days."

"Well, if we read a section each night before bed, we should finish it in about a week."

"Yeah… but that means we have to actually read it before we go to sleep."

"What it means is we have to read it before we get distracted with sex."

"We could always read it after sex."

"After sex? No way. After sex, I want to go to sleep."

*chuckles* "How manly of you. Isn’t that supposed to be my line."

"Bite me."

Domestic

Goddess
Toni Carmine Salerno

I've been playing house lately... Doing all sorts of domestic type things. Planting a garden... decorating... spring cleaning... home improvements... cooking dinner. Even Martha Stewart would be proud. Now, this may seem like nothing unusual. After all I'm a *cough* 30 something year old woman *cough* who was married and got to play house for 10 years. But that is ~exactly~ why it's so noteworthy. I have been avoiding most things that remind me of my life P.D. (pre-divorce). Determined to recreate myself; to rewrite my life to include all of the things I felt I were missing, and erasing the things I didn't want to be a part of my life.

Since the divorce, I've done a lot of things I missed out on while I was married. I have had a chance to travel (which I love), I've stayed at nice hotels and eaten at nice restaurant's... places I would have never even hoped to patronize P.D. My sex life has blossomed and I've gotten to explore fantasies that, up until now, have been locked away deep in my mind. I take time to have fun... I've gone to the theatre, the symphony, concerts, and amusement parks more then I could have imagined. I've learned not to overplan things too much (ok... I'm still working on that one) I've taken up new interests and made new friends; in a sense revised my Biography. And I like it... I like my life now. But something was still missing.

What was missing were the chapters that I had torn out in an attempt to be free of my old life... but I've discovered those chapters are an important parts if who I am. So I have started to reintergrate those things back into my life. Who would have guessed it... I actually like playing house. I may not be Martha (thank the goddess), but I'm discovering a happy little home-maker in this woman I've become. I guess I don't have to erase all of who I was P.D., I just have to figure out what's worth keeping and what need to be tossed. And that's pretty easy to do... all I have to do is figure out if I am doing something out of habit or becasue it makes me genuinely happy. So, I'll be keeping Ms. Domestic around for a bit... At least the parts that I enjoy (Notice laundry is no where in the above list... that's what laundry services are for *grin*)

Fire Lotus

Rebirth by
Toni Carmine Salerno

In Buddhism, there is a beautiful symbolism present in the blossom of a Lotus Flower. In nature, the Lotus, which is known for its delicate beauty, blooms forth from the blackest of mud and deepest depths. The Lotus therefore, represents the human struggle to rise up from the "mud"of our existence and blossom into the beautiful, spiritual person that we are. It is a symbol of rebirth, renewal, and overcoming the darkness in our lives. Fire is symbolic of cleansing... starting over. In nature, fire destroys all that it touches, making room for new growth. It is an end to the old and a beginning of what is to come.

Since my divorce, I've taken the screen name FireLotus to symbolize my rebirth from the darkness much like the Lotus... but also my cleansing from pain and devastation of the past and the growth that has followed, which is symbolized by Fire.

Now you may be wondering what brought all this up. But I am considering getting another tattoo... and getting this one in a spot I can actually see. For those of you that haven't seen my tat, I have a tattoo of a purple Lotus on my lower back right above my butt. I'm flexible, but not that flexible, and I don't spend a lot of time looking at my own butt. I got it right after my divorce chose it because of the above symbolism. But I wanted something that could be easily covered... a symbol I knew was there, but one that not everyone would know about.

I want the new tattoo to be symbolic as well, so I was thinking about taking the symbolism of the lotus to the next level by getting a "FireLotus" on my front right shoulder. It will be covered at work, but more visible when I'm out and about in my everyday tops... or in a bathing suit. Plus I won't have to worry about it stretching out orgetting saggy... since it's a naturally tight and toned area. A lot of people don't take this into consideration when they get a tat... and eventually, as age and gravity work their magic, their mighty oak transforms into a weeping willow... or the delicate daisey on their belly becomes a sunflower when they're pregnant. Our bodies change, and since a tattoo is permanent, I want to make sure it looks as good when I'm 60 as it does now.

So now I just need to figure out what it should look like. Unfortunately, I lack the artistic ablity to put my thoughts into form on paper, so I've been looking around for either a lotus where the petals resemble (or can be made to resemble) flames... or two pictures I can combine into a composite... like a Lotus with flames surrounding it. I'd love to know what you think... your ideas and feedback would be much appreciated!

Spring is Here...

Springtime has to be my favorite time of year... i just adore it. Warm weather with clear blue skies and cool breezes... flowers blooming all around... a sense of renewal that's just invigorating. It's impossible for me not to think about it without smiling.

I had the best weekend in a long time this past weekend. The weather was perfect, and I spent almost all day Saturday shopping (have I mentioned how awesome Spring sales are?). I I haven't gone clothes shopping in a while... maybe even since last Spring. So it was time to renew my wadrobe with new boots, sexy new dance shoes, several very cute outfits, and two new nighties... a black one with ruffles and thigh highs for when I'm feeling naughty, and a white and peach one with lace and beading for when I'm feeling... well... naughty... but want to look a bit more "nice".

*grin*

Anyway... I can attest to the power of Spring becasue I also experienced one of the most traumatic things a woman can experience in April, and I'm still smiling. What terror tried to entrap me, you may ask? Let's just say shopping included buying a swim suit.

Now, buying a swim suit often makes even the strongest, most confident woman cringe. It's just something about squeezing yourself into a tiny piece of fabric complete with a panty guard and looking at your winterized, pale body in the lovely glow of flourescent lights. Every ripple... every bulge... every flaw is just screaming back at you in the mirror. Even Alfred Hitchcock never imagined the sense of horror that comes along with swimsuit shopping.

Well, I decided to try a 2-piece this year... becasue I'm feeling much more confident with myself and my body. So I find this cute little tankini and decide to try it on, convinced I'm gonna take one look at myself in the mirror and want to hibernate for a couple more months. But surprisingly, I slipped into the suit, looked up, and didn't scream in terror at the reflection in front of me. In fact, the woman in the mirror looked pleasently surprised. So I poked my head out of the dressing room, called Kirby to get his opinion, and when he saw me, his eyes sparkled. Thats all I needed... The suit went home with me, and at 50% off no less. I wore it to the pool yesterday and I really like it. Its covers a lot less then I'm used to, but you can finally see my belly ring, so it's all good!

For the longest time, I was worried about losing myself if I started to see myself through someone elses eyes. And for so long I had reason to worry... becasue the eyes that had always looked at me were critical and judgemental. But now, the eyes looking at me are filled with love and acceptance, and they sparkle when I smile or laugh. And by seeing myself through those eyes, I have come to not only accept myself as I am, but to see past the flaws to the beauty that is there. I didn't have to fear looking at myself though anothers eyes... I just needed to be more careful about whose eyes I was seeing myself through. The eyes I needed to look through had to see me for who I was and love me anyway... to appreciate the beauty behind the imperfections... and accept the woman I am.

But most importantly, I've learned to see myself with those same accepting eyes. Of course I still notice the faults... but they don't control me anymore. And that is a wonderous thing. What a lovely way to celebrate the season; by renewing my sense of self just in time to enjoy the beauty and joy of Springtime.